MY ALIBI RELIES UPON.....

Travel Companion No. 1:

Mister Naomi Murray:

- Just turned 30 and has "rotting eggs."

- Excited about going to Colombia because "It's so dangerous."

- Once kept a heavy breather on the phone for so long that he hung up on her.

- Has a fetish for small dogs.

- Is the first person I would call if I was in real trouble, because it would more than likely be her fault.

Travel Companion No. 2:

Lady Julie Galbraith:














- Appears way more sensible than she actually is.

- Comes from a family of 11 children, as a result bombs could go off around her without her even flinching. Let's hope we don't test that one.

- Drank 16 pints of Guinness one St. Patricks Day and collapsed on her 17th (see, doesn't look the type, does she?)

- Can't swim, so will be easy to drown if she pisses me off.

- Like me, never knows when to go home.

- Contrary to the first point above, is being relied upon to be the 'sensible one.'

Me:

- Once described as 'mentally ill' by a man who was 23 years on death row.

- Been known to sleepwalk naked (outside). Naomi is particularly excited about this one.

- "Borderline arrogant" apparently.

- Amazing at everything.

- Birthday celebrated on the wrong day for 8 years by parents.

- Once cheated in maths exam and still only got 18%.

- Excited about Peru and Bolivia mostly, but no idea why.

“Who will be the organised one out of the three of you?”

I hate this question, because the answer worries me. None of us even realised that we had booked to go to South America at the start of the rainy season. Someone brought this to my attention and when I told my travel companions this is what it went like….

Niamh to Naomi: “We’re traveling during the rainy season.”
Naomi to Niamh: “Fuck, I hate the rain!”

Niamh to Julie: “We’re traveling during the rainy season.”
Julie to Niamh: “Shit! We’ll have to change our plans”
Niamh to Julie: “What plans?”
Julie to Niamh: “Oh yeah! Ha ha.”

Ladies and Gentlemen, I think we’re in trouble.

PREPARATION, WHAT'S THAT?

1. Booked plane ticket.
2. Got insurance and injections (cheaper than a funeral.)

Impressive eh? So, as far as preparation goes, I think I’ve proved myself adequately.

‘Preparation’ is not a word used in my regular vocabulary as my friend Jason (my 'ask anything’ buddy) can vouch for. He often gets texts from me asking such questions as “when is the next train from Birmingham to London and how much does it cost?” or “I am abandoned in Crewe, the bus driver just threatened to kill me, how do I get home?” I’ll miss reading the words “You are a nightmare woman!” from him. My lack of organisational skills is enough to make him go into anxious convulsions. He came to Dublin for the weekend with a colour coded map (created by him) with arrows printed on and a timed itinerary of attractions he wanted to see. I once told him that I don’t use maps “because I like the challenge,” no surprise that he’s not coming traveling with me.

Learning Spanish:
I downloaded Spanish lessons on my ipod and told people "I’m going to listen to it for an hour a day"…. never happened, I've listened to it once for 5 minutes. But, I am impressed that I took the time to download the CD. Actually, come to think of it, I didn’t download it, my housemate's boyfriend did. Well, I paid for the CD at least, I definitely paid for it.

Getting Bikini Ready:
Took up boxing because apparently the weight ‘falls off you’ when you do it. Gained weight instead of losing it as my appetite increased ten fold but Julie and Naomi are happy to be traveling with their own personal security guard. Not too sure how my guns will compete against a real gun though, will have to wait and see.

Things that would be useful on the trip:
1. A skeleton Key for escaping from my outdoor cage when I am kidnapped by Latin American gang lords. Although even without one, I am confident that I will orchestrate a heroic Houdini like escape after being held captive for some time, but disappointingly will most likely still return to Ireland with no tan.

2. The Ability To Speak Spanish. It will happen. It will just leak effortlessly into my brain whilst over there and I will be communicating with the natives fluently in no time.

My conversations will go something like this….

Male Native: Hello. You are very sun burnt.

Me: No, I just go this colour in the heat. I’m Irish you see.

Male Native: No! That’s impossible, you sound native, your accent is flawless.

Me: Thank you, I have only been here two weeks and already I am fluent.

Male Native: Very impressive. Would you like to come to Cococabana with me and my handsome male friends?

Me: I would, but I already promised to go there with a team of male model volleyball players that adore me and laugh at all my jokes .

Male Native: I would beg, but I can tell a girl like you gets offers like this all the time, so it would be pointless. I feel lucky to just be talking to you. Thank you.

Me: You are lucky, yes.

Before setting off from Dublin to South America, my parents gave me what they thought was some invaluable advice:

Mom: “Pack your knickers into your shoes” (I assume I should not be wearing either at the time).

Bren: “Never carry anyone’s bag at the airport, especially if it’s a nun or an old lady.” I took Mom’s advice and Bren’s was never going to happen anyway, the old lady can carry her own bag, laden with cocaine or not.

Some other travel advice I took was from a guide book. It said that if being attacked not to scream “help” but “fire” instead. I have stored this information in the back of my mind. I just hope I don’t recall it when I have a gun held to my head.

20 SELF ABSORBED REASONS FOR GOING BACKPACKING

1. Because I deserve it.

2. Not to find myself but to lose myself and then be reintroduced and possibly date myself.

3. To see if I can negotiate my way out of a potential kidnap situation through the power of Irish dance due to my lack of Spanish.

4. To be able to tell guinea pig lovers back home that I ate guinea pig and I LOVED it.

5. Because trekking in Manchu Picchu and paragliding off a mountain is slightly more interesting than working at the Council.

6. Because the words ‘working at the Council’ make me want to vomit, meaning it’s time to move on.

7. To see if I am taller than South American men.

8. To engage with people that I would normally ignore at home.

9. To chew coco leaves until I think I am a coco leaf.

10. To eliminate the phrases “Can I help you?” and “I understand your concern” from my life! Basically, I want to stop lying to people.

11. Because I am more interesting in other countries.

12. To test my laziness.

13. To ‘LOL’ and ‘OMG’ face to face for a change.

14. To do some volunteer work that doesn’t include a lot of work.

15. Because in some of the countries I am going to wine is cheaper than water.

16. Siestas….need I say more?

17. To meet hot Aussie backpackers called ‘Guy’ and ‘Sky’ and to agree vehemently with everything they say….absolutely.

18. Because I haven’t been everywhere, but its on my list.

19. Because I’m not the kind of person who makes lists, but I like to pretend to be.

20. Because I want to prove to my Mom that I can go traveling without ending up on ‘Banged up Abroad.’
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