Mickey Dodgers and man hunting....

Apparently, I should be trying to meet a man, everyone else is getting married and having kids, it seems to be the thing to do. A list of top ten places to meet men always includes weddings. I've been at two over the past month. Sure, I met men there but they were the groom, the priest, my father and other peoples husbands and boyfriends. Call me old fashioned, but although my standards are getting lower by the minute I would prefer to end up with someone whom is neither attached nor a relation of mine.

Church is another place these lists recommend you go to meet men. Church! I feel edgy in them as it is, years of indoctrination by the nuns or "Mickey dodgers" as my Dad calls them didn't work on me. I'm just not buying the whole walking on water, loaves and fishes magic trick stuff. "I don't believe a word of it," I told my secondary school Religion teacher when she'd mention stories from the Bible. "Well, you will when you're standing at Heavens gates and you're not allowed in," she told me as she searched my scalp for the numbers 666 and I prodded her with my trident.

Prod prod prod, she deserved it.

I'm a born sceptic, I was the kid who always looked for the hidden bottom on the magicians hat or wished I had a scissors to cut David Copperfield's strings has he flew around over his audience. On balance I'd definitely rather have Jesus (turns water into wine apparently) as a dinner guest than the likes of Uri Geller, seriously who would want him over, bending all your spoons? Imagine a dinner party with magicians, there'd be rabbits everywhere, you could never have soup with Uri around and David Copperfield wouldn't sit in his seat, he'd be flying about shouting "Look at me, look at me" and levitating all the guests. So annoying.

Uri, bend your own fucking spoons.




My guests don't like to be levitated, David.

Another weird place these shit lists recommend you go to meet men is the water-cooler. Now, this might work if only I had an office to go to. I read that "romance can be sparked at the water-cooler". Actually, I'm interested in trying this one, I can see myself seductively drinking from the tap and flirting with a cute guy from an office, clearly it wouldn't be MY office as I'm unemployed. If I can break into someone else's office though I think I have a good shot at getting both a date and being fabulously re-hydrated. My opening lines could be things like....


"I love water, do you love water?"

"I drink so much water, I'm always going to the toilet."

"How many times a day do you go to the toilet?"

"Do you enjoy going to the toilet?"

The gym is another place that's recommended. Now, actually I am in the gym quite a bit these days trying to shift off my South American weight. Problem is I don't know what kind of men find a puce face and a heaving sweaty body on a woman attractive? There's probably some strain of sick pervert out there that would like that kind of thing, the type that are into bestiality maybe. I think I'll pass on that one too come to think of it.

The search continues.